Monday, April 14, 2008

My Love Triangle

Through many of the experiences of those I am in relationship with and through a bit of experience of my own, I have come to understand the difficult truth that many of the ideas that we grow up learning and adopting change throughout the course of our life as we mature and encounter new experiences. I have also noticed in my own life that when this cycle happens, it raises many questions. I see it as remodeling the mind, if you will. As things shift, that which once existed in a well-anchored form begins to weaken. Sometimes it doesn't require much alteration to firm up the foundation of the idea. But then there are those times when you have to strip down the entire idea and rebuild it using new materials that are more foundationally secure. On that note, with the idea (or reality, because at this point I am not sure it exists outside of God) of love, I am experiencing some big shifts. Now, we won't go into details, disclosing a ton of information that is unnecessary in communicating the point. The fact is that I feel like in many ways I have been misinformed, if not even mislead. So here is my confession. I was taught that it is good to be in a love triangle. It just so happens however, that my love triangle is incredibly dysfunctional. This is the story of how I have been mislead in my love triangle.

My old youth pastor used to give some of the most wonderfully inaccurate diagrams of love. I am sure that you all remember the triangle. God is at the top (angle a), and you and the love of your life are at the other adjacent corners (angles b and c). The diagram suggests the idea (or reality is some peoples minds, I guess) that if both lovers choose to seek God, they will indeed grow closer together. This is what I like to call the love triangle. That, my friends, is just not true, especially when you apply the subject of my post called "Truth from a Heretic." Can people not follow God and go in two completely different directions? It pisses me of that I was taught to reduce love to a mathematical equation. Those of you out there with any experience in the matter would agree that love is anything BUT a formula or theorem, right?

And what other teachers do we have out there who are telling us how love is supposed to be. Well, we have T.V., and we have movies like Romeo and Juliet, Meet Joe Black, The Notebook, Garden State, Sweet Home Alabama and many other wonderful feats of cinematography. We have romance novels that are coming out by the hundreds every year. We are bombarded with how love is "supposed" to be and not how it truly is to be manifested in our lives. No wonder we are struggling to focus on our own relationships and see the absolute beauty that exists in them. Bill Parish from Meet Joe Black says to his daughter:

"I want you to get swept away. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish. Be deliriously happy, or at least leave yourself open to be. I know it's a corn-ball thing, but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. Cause the truth is honey, there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love....well you haven't even lived a life at all. But you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike."

Although those desires may be real and true in each of us, does it really exist? I'm not saying it doesn't exist necessarily. But I do want to bring our attention to the expectations we are allowing to be set up through these avenues. Are we creating an expectation of love that is unrealistic? Are we taking that unrealistic expectation and making it the measuring stick by which we evaluate the success or failure of a relationship? But the scary reality is the possibility that the expectation that we have is all we know of love, and in removing it and starting from scratch with what love might really be we leave ourselves vulnerable to be utterly disappointed. Over the past few weeks, so many different people have willingly and unashamedly shared with me what they believe about how love should look. I guess you could say the action steps taken to manifest the love that is in the heart. So far, all philosophies and ideas of how love should look (even according to the scriptures) that I have heard from friends, family, acquaintances and lovers have made me want to vomit. They have been repulsive to me. I hear them speak so passionately about what they believe love should be and I leave feeling like there has to be more to this. Love has to create something more than this. If this is what love is, I'm not sure that I want any part in it.

So many annoyances are playing into the way that we view love. So lets just say that we want to view and experience love the way that the scriptures describe it. We read the scriptures, not to just read them, but to study them, learn them. And when we do, we read through the lens of what we are being told everywhere else, through our experiences and desires. So now everyone (okay, not everyone) has a different idea of what love looks like, leaving lovers resentful an unsatisfied all over the world. What do we take from all of this? I take that maybe it is something that is unable to be resolved. But does that mean we quit searching? What would life be like if we quit searching for meaning or understanding in the many areas of our life, love included? Lets wrestle. Lets fight. Lets get really angry and frustrated at each other because we don't understand. Because it doesn't make sense. And in that, may we all learn what it means to love, and to be loved in return. Thanks for giving my mess of a mind a chance.

2 comments:

DTeach said...

Interesting perspective Ben. I can really relate. I don't understand how something as complex and mysterious as love could be reduced to such a logical and dry diagram. I know that Jim's intentions were good but you are right that it makes it harder now because we learned something so false from someone we trusted and admired. Love is mysterious just as God is mysterious. The Psalmists call God's love, (his he-sed) steadfast. Read Psalm 136 and you can quickly rule out God's love as logical, dry or easy to understand. If God's love is that complex and God is love and the source of our love, How can our love be reduced to mathematics, theorems, diagrams and simple logic. Point well taken and agreed.

DTeach said...

Behind the theological thought in your post, it seems like there is hurt, frustration or even some bitterness hidden behind your words. Are you okay? I know we haven't talked in forever, but feel free to call me up or email me. Now that I know you have a blog, I might just have to read it to discuss some of your thoughts and maybe share with you some of mine. I miss you man. By the way this is Brent. My email is younglifebrent@gmail.com and my phone number is 727-599-4401. Much love bro!